April 3, 2026
Grief, Growth, and the Father’s Journey — with Coach Rev
Send us Fan Mail summary In this heartfelt interview, grief and resilience coach Lee Atherton shares her journey into end-of-life care, the importance of compassion, and practical advice for supporting loved ones through loss. Discover insights on grief stages, honoring life, and caring for those who serve as first responders. keywords grief, end of life, resilience, compassion, support, first responders, grief stages, living well, dying well, mental health key t...
summary
In this heartfelt interview, grief and resilience coach Lee Atherton shares her journey into end-of-life care, the importance of compassion, and practical advice for supporting loved ones through loss. Discover insights on grief stages, honoring life, and caring for those who serve as first responders.
keywords
grief, end of life, resilience, compassion, support, first responders, grief stages, living well, dying well, mental health
key topics
End-of-life and grief counseling
The role of faith and compassion in healing
Stages of grief and emotional resilience
Supporting loved ones and caregivers
Unique grief experiences of first responders
guest name
Lee Atherton
Titles
The Power of Compassion in End-of-Life Care
Navigating Grief: Stages and Healing Strategies
sound bites
"Forgiveness is key to healing and peace."
"Schedule time for self-care, even in chaos."
"Living well and dying well require intentionality."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Grief and Resilience Coaching
03:05 Finding Purpose in Grief Counseling
04:26 The Role of Faith and Compassion
06:11 Understanding Coach Rev at the Crossroads
07:15 Common Misconceptions About Grief
08:25 Personal Experiences with Loss
09:52 Navigating the Stages of Grief
11:51 Supporting Loved Ones in Mourning
13:54 Lessons from the Dying
15:30 Planning for End of Life
16:43 Celebration of Life vs. Traditional Funerals
20:15 Unique Grief of First Responders
23:50 Preventing Compassion Fatigue
25:09 Living Well and Dying Well
26:21 Future Goals and Outreach
resources
Coach Rev - End of Life and Grief Support - https://coachrev.com
Phoenix Rising Service Dogs - https://phoenixrising.sdsl.com
Critical Incident Stress Management Teams - https://www.cism.org
guest links
Website - https://coachrev.com
Email - lee@coachrev.com
Phone - 508-308-7116
Losing a child to cancer is a grief no parent should walk through alone. The Father's Refuge Podcast is a safe place for fathers and parents to share, heal, and find hope in the midst of heartbreak. If you are a father and you would like to share your grief journey with others reach out to me at FathersRefuge@proton.me
Facebook Page
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61583591441571
Podcast Support
https://www.fathersrefuge.com/support/
One Time donation
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2528600/support
Monthly Support
Want to be a guest?
https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/fathersrefuge
Mobile Follow Page
WEBVTT
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There are um great processes that we can bring first responders through.
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Uh I'm part of a a team of responders critical incident stress management.
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And we go in and we sit with we do sit with one person at a time, but more often it's for a group debrief where all the folks who are part of that incident come into a room and we talk about what happened in a prescribed way, but it helps take the emotion out of the event.
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So the memory always stays there, but the emotion can settle down a bit.
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And as we're able to more and more encourage our first responders to partake in these, instead of what it used to be is we had a really crappy experience, let's go out and have a drink.
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And if you did anything other than that, you were considered wimpy and not strong enough to do the job.
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That's changing.
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And our first responders are healthier.
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How are you doing, Coach?
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I am doing fabulous on this Saturday morning.
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How about you?
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Good.
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So Coach Rev is a certified grief and resilience coach, chaplain, and officiant who has dedicated her life to helping others find peace, purpose, and hope through death and loss.
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With over 20 years of experience and with her faithful companion Shadow by her side, who's going to make a guest appearance today on the video, Lee has guided countless individuals, families, and first responders through trauma and transformation.
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She reminds us that while we can't control life's endings, we can always choose compassion, courage, and connection.
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Hello, Lee.
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Thank you for being on the show.
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Please introduce yourself to the listening audience.
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Thank you, James.
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It's an honor to be here.
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As James said, I'm Lee Atherton.
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I love the work I do.
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It's profound.
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It's um it's an honor to be with folks at life's ending.
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And uh as James said, I've got my faithful companion Shadow by my side.
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And he mmm he's such an important important part of all I do.
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All right, let's let's see the puppy.
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Come on.
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We want to we want to see Shadow.
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Where you at Shadow?
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He's hiding.
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He's hiding.
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Whoops.
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Look, well, we almost saw him.
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Yep, let me fix the camera.
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Go over here.
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There he is.
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He's camera shy, probably like my dog.
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He'll say hi here.
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Hey puppy puppy.
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Okay, that's fine.
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Where you at?
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Shadow.
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There's Shadow.
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He's kind of in the shadows, but that's normal for Shadow.
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He's he's involved in something else.
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Something under there, but he'll come out and I'll get him up here.
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Yeah, it's fine.
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So, what inspired you to dedicate your career to end of life and grief counseling, Coach Rev?
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Many years ago I had met someone when I was in school.
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We were both getting our bachelor's degree so that we could move on and get our master's in divinity and serve folks in ministry.
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She knew then that she wanted to be a hospice chaplain.
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I always thought I would just be serving a local church.
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And she would often say to me, You really should be a hospice chaplain.
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You'd be great.
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And I would say, Yeah, I don't think so.
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I'm not going to do that kind of work.
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Fast forward a few years, we had graduated and been ordained.
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She was in her hospice work.
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I was in between jobs.
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And uh she needed someone to cover an extended vacation.
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Couldn't find anyone.
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She asked me.
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I had said no thanks a couple times.
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And finally she said, Come on, you can do anything.
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It's just short term.
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So with a sigh and some resignation, I said, All right, I'll I'll cover your vacation.
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Wow.
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I am so thankful that she pushed me to do that because right away when we were out visiting patients and I was in my training, I just felt such a calling, such a, yeah, this is where you belong.
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Kind of a feeling that's hard to explain, but that was back in 2007, and I've been doing end-of-life work ever since.
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Wow.
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So you found your purpose.
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I did.
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So how do faith and compassion shape your approach to healing?
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Faith and compassion shape my approach to healing.
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For me, my faith definitely says there's something greater out there than we are.
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And you know, the people name that in different ways.
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God, Buddha, scientific ways of naming it.
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But that that conviction that there's something bigger than us has always, throughout the challenging times in my career, um helped carry me through.
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And I think although when I visit with my patients, with my clients, they don't know whether I'm Christian or Jewish or whatever, it's internal for me and it helps me be my best person with them, even when it's a heartbreaking visit, a hard visit.
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Right.
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Well, I'm sure that in your work, you experience all different types of people, and everybody's in a, you know, we're all human, but we're all in sort of a socioeconomic category of our own.
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We have different educations, we have different uh vocations and things like that.
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And you're gonna run across people that have a different flavor of spirituality, if you want to call it, or a different flavor of religion.
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And while while our understanding of who God is or what his name is, it may be different than theirs, but we have to uh we may not agree with them, but we have to we have to we have to respect it.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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And my folks would never know what I like the word you use, what flavor of religion or spirituality I am, unless they ask me directly.
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My goal is to meet them where they are.
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Right, exactly.
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So what does Coach Rev at the crossroads symbolize in your work?
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So I had coach training, which when I took my training many years ago, I viewed it as being with people to help them discover what their future goals are and how do I reach my goals in the future, what's there for me.
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And being with people at end of life was sort of an opposite end of the spectrum where we're saying goodbye in ways.
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We're not uh looking toward the future quite the same way.
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And I found fortunately a training that was end of life coaching that brought those two worlds together for me.
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So the coach, Coach Rev recognizes that coaching aspect.
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Rev recognizes for me a powerful spiritual moment in my ordination.
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And then at the crossroads, we're all at crossroads in our lives.
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And what do we do when we're there?
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How do we how do we choose what direction we want to go in?
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And to be with people to help them navigate that.
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So, what's one of the most common misconceptions about grief?
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That you get over it.
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I would say we never get over grief.
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It ebbs and flows, and over time it does get easier, but it's never gone.
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We're always missing that person, that place, that moment in our lives that we've had to say goodbye to for some reason.
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Right.
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And that, you know, I think a lot of times we associate loss and grief with losing a loved one, child, parent, wife, whatever, husband.
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Yes.
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But I think we can all we also need to uh bring uh job loss, uh divorce, separation, relationship issues.
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Pet loss.
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Yeah, pet loss, losing a a fur baby.
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Community loss is another one that a lot of folks um don't immediately recognize.
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But when we've been transferred to another job, we've got to move across the country or um say goodbye to our family home.
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Those are big losses as well that can make an impact.
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And if we are able to if we're able to acknowledge them and intentionally say goodbye, it can help that transition a bit.
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So have you have you experienced loss and grief in your life?
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I have.
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I have to do that.
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Could you share a little bit about that?
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Sure.
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I've lost both of my parents.
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My mom, when I was in my 20s, and she was on hospice.
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And my dad much later, he also was on hospice.
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I was with him when he died.
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Powerful moment to be there for that.
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I've lost a lot of pets and I've lost my family.
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I had a brother who died in 2016, and uh the rest of my siblings and and their families uh pretty much said they never wanted anything to do with me again.
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I was the black sheep uh for reasons that I would never change, decisions I made.
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But that was huge.
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That was really huge for me because I lost so much in that.
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I lost relationships, my brother through his death.
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I lost a sense of what I had anticipated my future being, and that's when I got shadow.
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Uh yeah, it was a pretty traumatic time.
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Uh looking at at what was lost in the moment and in the future, but also uh some questions that made me um remember traumatic times uh growing up.
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So I had PTSD after that, and for a couple of years couldn't work.
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Shadow came in as my service dog.
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Awesome.
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Yeah.
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So can you can you walk us through the stages of grief and what that looks like?
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Hard to say what it looks like.
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So there are many stages of grief.
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A lot of people think of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages, and that's a great foundation, but she never meant it to be.
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You do stage one, and then at a certain amount of time you go to stage two, and then stage three, it's not linear like that.
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Stages of anger, denial, especially denial if someone dies suddenly, a tragic death.
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Our minds can't handle it.
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So we just nope, that didn't happen.
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I I just can't wrap my mind around it.
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Denial, anger, resentment, at times, joy.
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That's a tough one to imagine.
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Joy with loss.
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And I've renamed and reframed some of the stages.
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Obviously, I don't think she talks about joy, but at some point we're able to look at what we've lost and remember the joyful moments in it to celebrate who that person or whatever it was we lost was, and be able to laugh and smile again.
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I talk about grief as riding a class five Whitewater River.
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So you're on that boat and you are holding on for dear life.
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You don't know what's around the corner, whether you've gotta lean this way, lean that way, duck your head, what's gonna pop up in front of you, and it's a wild ride.
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But eventually you do come to those still waters of rest and peace.
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Um, it's all over the map.
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Right.
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Anxiety is another one that I like to talk about.
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Oh, yeah.
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People people get anxious and suffer with anxiety and you know, fears go hand goes hand in hand with that.
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Right, right.
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Uh often our world is upside down when we've lost someone or something.
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And when we're in an uncertain time or place in our lives, we can't help but have anxiety come in.
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It's just a normal human response.
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How can we better support a loved one in pain or mourning?
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I always think of the words the ministry of presence and just being with someone, knowing that you don't have to find the perfect words to say.
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Uh, there's not the right thing to do.
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Uh, but just being there, being a shoulder for them to cry on, to express what they're going through without any judgment or pushback.
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Um, not saying things like, oh, you'll get over this, or it's okay, God wanted your loved one.
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God called your loved one home for a reason.
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Even if you're the person you're with would feel that way if they were talking to someone else, you don't want to say it.
00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:19.519
Um, because they can be hurtful even when we're trying to be most helpful.
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That and I tell folks, don't say, what can I do for you?
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How can I help?
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Rather, take a minute to think about the person you're talking to.
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What do you know about them?
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And say, I'll be over tomorrow to get your grocery list and go shopping.
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Or I know the kids probably want to go out and play and you don't have time.
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So we'll stop over and bring them to the playground for you.
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I'll be over and do your laundry for you.
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Just be specific and tell them that you're gonna do that because it's easier for someone to say, okay, and let you come do that, than it is for them in their chaotic mind um to think about what needs to be done or to even ask.
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It's so hard for us to ask.
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It's it's always very helpful to be the hands and feet of Jesus, right?
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And and go go do whatever needs to be done, whether it's babysitting, whether it's a you know, a parent night out or doing laundry or going grocery shopping or walking the dog, or there's a thousand and one things that goes on in keeping a household afloat that we can immediately do.
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Because we do those things ourselves, and so we can we can offer our hands and feet and our compassion and our love to people.
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That is so very true.
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What lessons about living have you learned from walking beside the dying?
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To live life to its fullest, to take advantage of every moment that you have because you never know when it's gonna be gone.
00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:51.200
Those are some cliche things, but they're so very true.
00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:54.080
Another one is uh a more practical one.
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I tell people, think about what you want at the end of life.
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And folks say, I don't need to think about that.
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I'm not sick, you know, I'm young, whatever, but you don't know when life is gonna change in an instant for you.
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You don't know when you might get a terminal diagnosis and be given a very short time to live.
00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:20.960
You don't know when you're gonna be in a traumatic accident and decisions need to be made.
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And they're not just the medical decisions about do not resuscitate or would I want a feeding tube?
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But they are decisions about how do you want to spend the end of your life?
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Would you want to be in a hospital or be at home when you're taking your last breaths?
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Do you want to be surrounded by family?
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Could be little things like for me, uh, and I've written these things down.
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I love the power of touch.
00:15:48.320 --> 00:15:52.960
Touch is so healing and comforting, but do not rub me like this.
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That's for me, that's like nails on a chalkboard.
00:15:56.159 --> 00:15:56.399
Right?
00:15:56.559 --> 00:16:01.679
So it can be the little things that you're aware of that you wouldn't want happening.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:02.720
Right.
00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:09.840
So yeah, lots of lessons from planning ahead to taking advantage of every moment that we have.
00:16:10.159 --> 00:16:18.799
So, in regards to planning ahead, probably one of the things that we hate to think about and and procrastinate on is uh putting together a living will.
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:23.120
We're going to an attorney and having an attorney do an actual will, you know.
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:23.519
Right.
00:16:23.679 --> 00:16:28.320
And you have to think about will, end of life, probate, all of that stuff.
00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:42.480
If you have a lot of stuff, if you got lots of money, if you got IRAs, 401s, bank accounts, credit cards, all of that stuff, you are going to do your loved ones a huge, huge service.
00:16:44.159 --> 00:16:57.759
By getting all of that stuff nailed down, writing down your passwords, giving access to your son or daughter or wife or whoever, husband, you know, like a lot of families, like my family, I I take care of all the budgeting, or I try to.
00:16:57.919 --> 00:16:59.039
I do what I can with it.
00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:01.279
Uh, you do the best you can with what you got, right?
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:01.600
Right.
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And uh there's always more bills at the end of the paycheck.
00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:06.400
Yes, yeah.
00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:21.759
But but if if you're if you're the partner that does all the budgeting, handles all the money and makes money decisions, you know, and has have access to accounts that they don't have access to, it's a good idea to give them access to it, you know, before before the end.
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That way there's not any kind of red tape or whatever that they gotta roll around in to to gain access to the funds or whatever.
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:32.079
Right.
00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:41.279
So and and more immediate, let me ask you, James, have you thought about your funeral or your end-of-life celebration?
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What you'd want that to be like?
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:51.359
Yes, I I I'm gonna get cremated, and then Katie's gonna find one of the people that I don't like, and she's just gonna throw the ashes on them.
00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:53.680
I'm I'm kidding.
00:17:53.920 --> 00:17:59.200
When my ex-wife was alive, you know, she was the target, but she unfortunately she's passed away.
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Or maybe fortunately, I don't know.
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She had some sort of kidney disease and she's no longer with us, and so I can't speak ill of her.
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One of the pieces when I talk to people about planning for end of life is thinking about what would you like your funeral service to be like?
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What kind of scripture readings or other sacred text do you want?
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What kind of music would you want to be there?
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Would you want it to be a solemn moment where folks are dressed in black and have lots of weeping, or would you like people to be remembering all the fun stuff of your life and celebrating?
00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:35.920
Yeah, I want people to have a party.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:44.400
You know, and one of the one of the things I would like to bring up uh while we're talking about end of life and stuff like that, and I think they don't call it funerals anymore.
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I think they call it celebration of life, and which I think is awesome.
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But if you have loved ones, don't wait until they die to stand around and go, oh, I just love them so much.
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They meant the world to me, blah, blah, blah.
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